To my daughter and my "parents" .. On my birthday
My dear daughter,
I write these words as a promise to you before I see you,before I even know if I'm going to have you.
I write because I just knew that words can be forgotten but once you write something down it will always be there,you'll read it and it'll either break you down to pieces or bring you back together.
I write because now I know how powerful words are.
I just turned 22 and I'm so glad I made it out of home as a normal,sane person. I'm neither racist,sexist,homophobic nor religious.
-I promise to never have you till I'm 100% sure I will be there when you need me.
-I promise you I'll be a good parent, I'll never do to you what my own family did to me. I will never leave you or quit being a parent,I won't stay and be useless. I'll never become a parent with drinking problems, a parent who has sex with whores and isn't bothered to shut the door. I'll never let you feel the rage I feel deep inside my own self. I promise to teach you that I'm not god,I'll teach you to question everything including me, I don't want you to be like me,counting the days till you can get away from your past. I'll tell you that thinking is not a sin,and that I don't believe on sin but it's okay if you want to believe in it. I will always accept you for who you are not what I want you to be. I will not just accept you I will always support your choices even if I think they're wrong. As long as you're healthy I will support you. Gay,straight, Christian, Muslim, atheist ,skinny, curvy,doctor, stripper, ...... you'll always have my support and you'll always own your mind,body and soul. I'll teach you to be a fighter. No matter how many times life tries to destroy you,stand back up and carry on. Don't let life get to you,don't let people get to you. Whenever people try to give you unnecessary advice tell them to fuck off. I'll teach you to love yourself, your mind,your face, your body and most importantly I'll teach you to love your own company so you won't feel the need to settle for anything less than what you really want. I promise to mind my own business, never interfere till you ask for a second opinion. I promise you a healthy peaceful and loving home. I never had good role models in parenting so I might not know what to do but I know exactly what not to do.
...............................................
My parents got divorced when I was little, I had to live with my father, anyone who knew my father knows that he's not a father material. My father is a charming man,I love him more than words could tell, I've seen his strength and his weakness. But that doesn't deny the fact that he was a total womanizer. As I kid I used see my daddy every night with a different woman, back then of course I didn't understand what was that,but I did at some point and it used to turn my stomach. My father got married to a gold digger and we lived the worst years of our lives. When we'd tell his family they'd say we're lying,we have vivid imagination. When we left the house and tried to contact our mother she said I want to have you but I cant afford you,I have no money. The only person who believed us in my father's family was my grandmother, she was always on our side,she's a charming woman. I was so full of rage from my parents but I never showed it -I envy my brother, he always knew how to express his anger from what happened to us- the only thing I could do is to talk to pery my best friend and count how many days are left till I turn 21 and get the hell out of the country and stay away from the past. I was and still am full of rage from my parents and my family and anybody who participated in creating the hell I lived in for 17 years. When I went to live with my mom,let's say that I barely knew her,I was full of rage towards her and all what she wanted was to be a parent, who's this what's that,don't talk to people after 12 am. And we survived that and I never listened to it. And then we reached the point of don't think like this don't say this,don't read that -yes don't read that- I was in carfour 2010 in the bookstore I was buying "The notebook" by Nicholas sparks and the book had the movie poster of Noah and Allie kissing in the rain. My mother was like, No don't force me to give you a list of authors to read to. I bought the book that day and of course I had my mother's special response " do whatever you want,you're no longer my daughter, I would never tell you anything again". I always read and wrote and believed in what I wanted to send my mother a message that it's not okay to tell me what to think or how to live but she never grasped the concept. And now my mother said that I'm gay and she doesn't want me in her life and I'm no longer accepted at home and I won't be accepted where I am right now,I'm a sick person and I should receive treatment, she removed me and blocked me on Facebook and then unblocked me 3 days ago. But she told my friends that I removed her #lol.
To my mother and family,
What I survived -with my brother- wasn't easy,no one will ever understand it but me and him. It will always leave a mark and the scars will never heal. I made it out of that life,I live in the other side of the world I have a job a nice place to live in and soon I'll have a dog. I love my father so much but I'm full of rage and anger that even him dying in my arms didn't make my rage go away,all the pain and sorrow and sadness I felt over his loss didn't lessen my anger. I feel the same way towards you mom, I'm so angry at you that no matter how hard you tried for the past couple of years you can't my anger go away. Yes I was counting the days to leave. I tried as hard as I could to be good to you,to make you happy and proud because I want my own kids to be good to me. But I was showered with hate speech and rejection. I can't stay in contact with you mother -for the time being- I need my time away from you and my father to collect my pieces,because you know parents screw and kids pay the price. I don't promise you that I'll be back, but I promise you that my daughter will never feel the anger I feel towards my own parents. I love you mom,I do and I love my daddy too,but my anger is so much bigger that I can't contain it. I have never been more honest in my entire life.
I write these words as a promise to you before I see you,before I even know if I'm going to have you.
I write because I just knew that words can be forgotten but once you write something down it will always be there,you'll read it and it'll either break you down to pieces or bring you back together.
I write because now I know how powerful words are.
I just turned 22 and I'm so glad I made it out of home as a normal,sane person. I'm neither racist,sexist,homophobic nor religious.
-I promise to never have you till I'm 100% sure I will be there when you need me.
-I promise you I'll be a good parent, I'll never do to you what my own family did to me. I will never leave you or quit being a parent,I won't stay and be useless. I'll never become a parent with drinking problems, a parent who has sex with whores and isn't bothered to shut the door. I'll never let you feel the rage I feel deep inside my own self. I promise to teach you that I'm not god,I'll teach you to question everything including me, I don't want you to be like me,counting the days till you can get away from your past. I'll tell you that thinking is not a sin,and that I don't believe on sin but it's okay if you want to believe in it. I will always accept you for who you are not what I want you to be. I will not just accept you I will always support your choices even if I think they're wrong. As long as you're healthy I will support you. Gay,straight, Christian, Muslim, atheist ,skinny, curvy,doctor, stripper, ...... you'll always have my support and you'll always own your mind,body and soul. I'll teach you to be a fighter. No matter how many times life tries to destroy you,stand back up and carry on. Don't let life get to you,don't let people get to you. Whenever people try to give you unnecessary advice tell them to fuck off. I'll teach you to love yourself, your mind,your face, your body and most importantly I'll teach you to love your own company so you won't feel the need to settle for anything less than what you really want. I promise to mind my own business, never interfere till you ask for a second opinion. I promise you a healthy peaceful and loving home. I never had good role models in parenting so I might not know what to do but I know exactly what not to do.
...............................................
My parents got divorced when I was little, I had to live with my father, anyone who knew my father knows that he's not a father material. My father is a charming man,I love him more than words could tell, I've seen his strength and his weakness. But that doesn't deny the fact that he was a total womanizer. As I kid I used see my daddy every night with a different woman, back then of course I didn't understand what was that,but I did at some point and it used to turn my stomach. My father got married to a gold digger and we lived the worst years of our lives. When we'd tell his family they'd say we're lying,we have vivid imagination. When we left the house and tried to contact our mother she said I want to have you but I cant afford you,I have no money. The only person who believed us in my father's family was my grandmother, she was always on our side,she's a charming woman. I was so full of rage from my parents but I never showed it -I envy my brother, he always knew how to express his anger from what happened to us- the only thing I could do is to talk to pery my best friend and count how many days are left till I turn 21 and get the hell out of the country and stay away from the past. I was and still am full of rage from my parents and my family and anybody who participated in creating the hell I lived in for 17 years. When I went to live with my mom,let's say that I barely knew her,I was full of rage towards her and all what she wanted was to be a parent, who's this what's that,don't talk to people after 12 am. And we survived that and I never listened to it. And then we reached the point of don't think like this don't say this,don't read that -yes don't read that- I was in carfour 2010 in the bookstore I was buying "The notebook" by Nicholas sparks and the book had the movie poster of Noah and Allie kissing in the rain. My mother was like, No don't force me to give you a list of authors to read to. I bought the book that day and of course I had my mother's special response " do whatever you want,you're no longer my daughter, I would never tell you anything again". I always read and wrote and believed in what I wanted to send my mother a message that it's not okay to tell me what to think or how to live but she never grasped the concept. And now my mother said that I'm gay and she doesn't want me in her life and I'm no longer accepted at home and I won't be accepted where I am right now,I'm a sick person and I should receive treatment, she removed me and blocked me on Facebook and then unblocked me 3 days ago. But she told my friends that I removed her #lol.
To my mother and family,
What I survived -with my brother- wasn't easy,no one will ever understand it but me and him. It will always leave a mark and the scars will never heal. I made it out of that life,I live in the other side of the world I have a job a nice place to live in and soon I'll have a dog. I love my father so much but I'm full of rage and anger that even him dying in my arms didn't make my rage go away,all the pain and sorrow and sadness I felt over his loss didn't lessen my anger. I feel the same way towards you mom, I'm so angry at you that no matter how hard you tried for the past couple of years you can't my anger go away. Yes I was counting the days to leave. I tried as hard as I could to be good to you,to make you happy and proud because I want my own kids to be good to me. But I was showered with hate speech and rejection. I can't stay in contact with you mother -for the time being- I need my time away from you and my father to collect my pieces,because you know parents screw and kids pay the price. I don't promise you that I'll be back, but I promise you that my daughter will never feel the anger I feel towards my own parents. I love you mom,I do and I love my daddy too,but my anger is so much bigger that I can't contain it. I have never been more honest in my entire life.
Posted via Blogaway
Comments
Post a Comment