What I See When I Close My Eyes.
When I close my eyes,
This is what I see,
A little girl with short blond hair watching scary shadows of two people fighting in their bedroom,
I see a terrified child,and I sense the fear,
I close my eyes harder,I think of something else,work it's going great,
Oh wait,
There's a little girl running towards her bedroom,
She's packing her clothes,she's full of anger but I still sense her fear,
She wants to go somewhere with someone,she has a destination,I can't tell where.
I shut my eyes even harder,
I try to concentrate on not thinking,
Flowers,beautiful flowers blossoming on a sunny day,
I like them flowers,I love red flowers,
Red,
Bottles of alcohol under my father's bed,
My father's anger and bad temper,
Sex with different women,
My father's love,
His kindness,
His strength,
His weakness,
His terrible relationship with my brother,
STOP!
School days,
Oh these were cool,
Teenagers, crushes,my first boyfriend,
The first time I had my heartbroken,
My father's lover who became his wife,
Terrible people entering our lives,
My father changing 180 degrees,
Running away from home,
Physical and mental abuse,
Realizing there's noway out of the hell that marriage created,
Going back home,
Being strong no matter how hard it was,
Pregnancy,
Baby brother,
He's beautiful,
My father flirting with other women,
I smile,
I know my father was never a husband material,
Problems,
More problems,
Screaming,
Fights,
Now I watch the scary shadows fighting behind the same door in the same bedroom,as a teenager,
I'm no longer a baby,
and that's when I realized,how ugly life can get.
ENOUGH
Something else,
High school,
Studying,that was challenging,
Late nights studying,
I hated maths,
My father LOVED maths,
My father,
He got sick,
Cancer,
I remember his life slipping through our fingers,
The strongest person I've ever known,
This wonderful,crazy,spontaneous,loving angry man
He's dying,they said,
Days pass by as if they're years,
Yet again they flew by as if they were seconds,
Operation,
No operation,
One cancer,Oh no wait, two.
Baby brother,just learned how to walk,
Older brother in a different place,
Don't tell grandma,she'll die,
Chemotherapy,
Chemotherapy,
Blood donations to dad,
Blood transfusion,
Plasma,
Albumin,
Protein shakes,
Dad bleeding,
Running to hospitals at the middle of the night,
Dad needs blood,
No blood in hospitals,
Dad crying,
I can't watch this, my strength god falling apart.
Dad begging me to take him home,
We take him home,
Nurses shifts,
Still bleeding,
For 40 days,
Morphine ,
Sleeping pills,
Water body extraction,
No more chemo,
7:00 am 24/1/2009
My brother crashes my bedroom door,
Dad's dying he screams,
I jump off bed after sleeping for a couple of hours,
Gosh that was a lot those days,
I run to my father's room,
He sees me,
Reaches out for me,
Stay he says,
I love you,
Oh daddy I love you too,
He hugs me,
I watch him die,I slap him on the face,
As if I can wake him up,
His wife says "Don't,it's over"
He looks at me one more time,
He hugs me,I hug him back,
He dies,
In my arms,
In the arms of a 17 year old.
STOP,now you're crying,think of something else
Cairo,
People I don't know,
Men,
Faces of people I know nothing about now are haunting my life,
Destroying it,
Injustice,
Hating the number 12,
Not feeling safe,
Getting lost,
Feeling alive,
Feeling dead,
Pain,
Abuse,
Faces,
Screams,
Pictures,
My voice,
I find it,
I scream,
The faces laugh,
I try to shut my brain,
I try to disconnect my body from my brain so maybe I won't feel pain,
I feel like drowning,
I black out.
I lose my voice,
I shiver,
Men,
Faces,
Faces,
Faces,
I get scared,
I open my eyes,
I slam them shut,again,
I hallucinate shadows standing next to my bed,
I feel them getting close to me,
I can sense them,
Smell them,
Hear them moving,
All the voices in my head,
They don't shut up.
I fall asleep,
I tell myself the day you've been waiting for is coming,
It will come someday,
Live for this day,
It will make you stronger,
Having something left for you to live for,
And now as what I was living for was taken away from me,
When I close my eyes,
I see nothing but faces,
Memories,
Flashbacks,
Even when I blink,
I see everything I went through in one second,
My blood is crushing my brain,
I can hear my own screams in my mind,
I feel my body aching in every inch,
Yet I can't feel my body at all,
Now,
As I closed my eyes,this is what I saw,
A helpless girl,
Tired,
Wearing a white short dress,
Covered with mud stains,
Full of cuts,
She had brown long hair,
Like my hair when I was 5,
She's in the middle of somewhere that looks like a forest,
Black circles under her eyes,
Her eyes are bloody red,
It's cold,
I look closer,
She has green eyes that resemble my father's,
Her knee is injured and has scars from an operation that looks exactly like mine,
I look directly in her eyes,
And I see my fathers eyes when he died,
No life,
No soul,
A dead person,
Someone who has fought long enough,and as she lost the most important battle of her life
She has nothing else left to live or fight for.
--------------------------------------------------------------
This is why I wrote this blog:
For the first time in my life I feel scared of myself. Yesterday I lost the only reason I was living for,and for the first time in my life I see that there's no way out. Since yesterday only I thought about throwing myself off the window tens of times,I feel so weak and so helpless,I look at myself in the mirror and I see a reflection of someone I don't know,I swear on my father's grave I'm losing it. I'm so terrified because if anyone knows how uncontrollable I am,it's me.I was the only person who could control myself,and I'm not so sure of that anymore. I want to write because writing is therapeutic to me,all the words come to my mind,I feel the blood rushing almost crushing my brain,then I black out and get lost in my memories,forgetting the time,the place and the people.
I was never weak,I was never suicidal and I refuse to become one,but it seems like that's the only way to end this hell.
Here,to the person who deliberately did that in order to live in the victory of this moment,I admit it,I have no strength to carry on. I lost my mind,my only hope of a peaceful happy life but most importantly somewhere throughout the past 5 and a half years,I guess I lost my soul.
This is what I see,
A little girl with short blond hair watching scary shadows of two people fighting in their bedroom,
I see a terrified child,and I sense the fear,
I close my eyes harder,I think of something else,work it's going great,
Oh wait,
There's a little girl running towards her bedroom,
She's packing her clothes,she's full of anger but I still sense her fear,
She wants to go somewhere with someone,she has a destination,I can't tell where.
I shut my eyes even harder,
I try to concentrate on not thinking,
Flowers,beautiful flowers blossoming on a sunny day,
I like them flowers,I love red flowers,
Red,
Bottles of alcohol under my father's bed,
My father's anger and bad temper,
Sex with different women,
My father's love,
His kindness,
His strength,
His weakness,
His terrible relationship with my brother,
STOP!
School days,
Oh these were cool,
Teenagers, crushes,my first boyfriend,
The first time I had my heartbroken,
My father's lover who became his wife,
Terrible people entering our lives,
My father changing 180 degrees,
Running away from home,
Physical and mental abuse,
Realizing there's noway out of the hell that marriage created,
Going back home,
Being strong no matter how hard it was,
Pregnancy,
Baby brother,
He's beautiful,
My father flirting with other women,
I smile,
I know my father was never a husband material,
Problems,
More problems,
Screaming,
Fights,
Now I watch the scary shadows fighting behind the same door in the same bedroom,as a teenager,
I'm no longer a baby,
and that's when I realized,how ugly life can get.
ENOUGH
Something else,
High school,
Studying,that was challenging,
Late nights studying,
I hated maths,
My father LOVED maths,
My father,
He got sick,
Cancer,
I remember his life slipping through our fingers,
The strongest person I've ever known,
This wonderful,crazy,spontaneous,loving angry man
He's dying,they said,
Days pass by as if they're years,
Yet again they flew by as if they were seconds,
Operation,
No operation,
One cancer,Oh no wait, two.
Baby brother,just learned how to walk,
Older brother in a different place,
Don't tell grandma,she'll die,
Chemotherapy,
Chemotherapy,
Blood donations to dad,
Blood transfusion,
Plasma,
Albumin,
Protein shakes,
Dad bleeding,
Running to hospitals at the middle of the night,
Dad needs blood,
No blood in hospitals,
Dad crying,
I can't watch this, my strength god falling apart.
Dad begging me to take him home,
We take him home,
Nurses shifts,
Still bleeding,
For 40 days,
Morphine ,
Sleeping pills,
Water body extraction,
No more chemo,
7:00 am 24/1/2009
My brother crashes my bedroom door,
Dad's dying he screams,
I jump off bed after sleeping for a couple of hours,
Gosh that was a lot those days,
I run to my father's room,
He sees me,
Reaches out for me,
Stay he says,
I love you,
Oh daddy I love you too,
He hugs me,
I watch him die,I slap him on the face,
As if I can wake him up,
His wife says "Don't,it's over"
He looks at me one more time,
He hugs me,I hug him back,
He dies,
In my arms,
In the arms of a 17 year old.
STOP,now you're crying,think of something else
Cairo,
People I don't know,
Men,
Faces of people I know nothing about now are haunting my life,
Destroying it,
Injustice,
Hating the number 12,
Not feeling safe,
Getting lost,
Feeling alive,
Feeling dead,
Pain,
Abuse,
Faces,
Screams,
Pictures,
My voice,
I find it,
I scream,
The faces laugh,
I try to shut my brain,
I try to disconnect my body from my brain so maybe I won't feel pain,
I feel like drowning,
I black out.
I lose my voice,
I shiver,
Men,
Faces,
Faces,
Faces,
I get scared,
I open my eyes,
I slam them shut,again,
I hallucinate shadows standing next to my bed,
I feel them getting close to me,
I can sense them,
Smell them,
Hear them moving,
All the voices in my head,
They don't shut up.
I fall asleep,
I tell myself the day you've been waiting for is coming,
It will come someday,
Live for this day,
It will make you stronger,
Having something left for you to live for,
And now as what I was living for was taken away from me,
When I close my eyes,
I see nothing but faces,
Memories,
Flashbacks,
Even when I blink,
I see everything I went through in one second,
My blood is crushing my brain,
I can hear my own screams in my mind,
I feel my body aching in every inch,
Yet I can't feel my body at all,
Now,
As I closed my eyes,this is what I saw,
A helpless girl,
Tired,
Wearing a white short dress,
Covered with mud stains,
Full of cuts,
She had brown long hair,
Like my hair when I was 5,
She's in the middle of somewhere that looks like a forest,
Black circles under her eyes,
Her eyes are bloody red,
It's cold,
I look closer,
She has green eyes that resemble my father's,
Her knee is injured and has scars from an operation that looks exactly like mine,
I look directly in her eyes,
And I see my fathers eyes when he died,
No life,
No soul,
A dead person,
Someone who has fought long enough,and as she lost the most important battle of her life
She has nothing else left to live or fight for.
--------------------------------------------------------------
This is why I wrote this blog:
For the first time in my life I feel scared of myself. Yesterday I lost the only reason I was living for,and for the first time in my life I see that there's no way out. Since yesterday only I thought about throwing myself off the window tens of times,I feel so weak and so helpless,I look at myself in the mirror and I see a reflection of someone I don't know,I swear on my father's grave I'm losing it. I'm so terrified because if anyone knows how uncontrollable I am,it's me.I was the only person who could control myself,and I'm not so sure of that anymore. I want to write because writing is therapeutic to me,all the words come to my mind,I feel the blood rushing almost crushing my brain,then I black out and get lost in my memories,forgetting the time,the place and the people.
I was never weak,I was never suicidal and I refuse to become one,but it seems like that's the only way to end this hell.
Here,to the person who deliberately did that in order to live in the victory of this moment,I admit it,I have no strength to carry on. I lost my mind,my only hope of a peaceful happy life but most importantly somewhere throughout the past 5 and a half years,I guess I lost my soul.
Comments
Post a Comment